Couples Counselling
by Jess-a-ma-jig
Summary: Akatsuki Crack! So, all the relationships are having trouble. Pein's daughter to the rescue. DeiXSaso. HidaXKaku. TobXZets. PeiXKon. ItaXKisa.
1. Chapter 1

Couples Counselling

Chapter 1:

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own ideas.**

**A/N: I thought I might make an Akatsuki crack. Just for the hell of it. As the title suggests, it will be on couples counselling. Not the partners, but relationships. First up, Deidara and Sasori. YAY! Just for the hell of it I also decided that Pein and Konan will have a daughter and she will be the one that does the counselling. She looks like Pein. Has 2 piercing in each ear, one under her lip and one in her nose. Her name is Itami, which means pain XD. It will be in her POV.**

"Uh, why me?" I sighed. I walked up to the door of my bed room as someone knocked again. I opened it to find Deidara and Sasori standing outside.

"Enter." Deidara pushed past me and Sasori followed. I took a seat in my chair across from Deidara and Sasori.

"So, what's the problem _this_ time." They had been to see me three times in the past week and it was starting to bug me.

"SASORI WON'T SPEND TIME WITH ME!" I sighed again. It's hard to counsel someone on relationship issues when you've never been in a relationship yourself.

"Sasori, why haven't you been spending time with Deidara?"

"I've been busy." _UH! SASORI! NOT HELPING!_

"Busy doing what?"

"Stuff." _GRRRRRRR!_

"SEE! HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO ME ANY MORE, UN!"

"Deidara please let me talk to Sasori. Maybe I can get him to talk. If you'll just wait outside, I'll let you back in once I'm done." Deidara reluctantly got up and left the room.

"Care to tell me what you've been doing? Remember, if you don't tell me, I will have to force you."

"I've been hiding in Hiruko and polishing myself over and over again."

"Why? Haven't you noticed that Deidara wants to spend time with you?"

"I'm just scared of losing him. I don't know what I'd do without him, so I'm trialling it and I don't like it."

"I think you should tell that to Deidara. I'm going to let him back in and when I do we'll talk about this more." I got up and walked over to the door. I opened it and Deidara came in, returning to his seat. He crossed his arms and looked away from Sasori with an angry pout on his face. Sasori's face fell and he put his head in his hands as if he were crying.

"Sasori, tell Deidara." Sasori looked up.

"I'm so sorry DeiDei. I was just scared of losing you. I'm sorry I made you feel hurt but-" Deidara's face softened and he face Sasori.

"You won't lose me. I love you. Nothing could take me away from you, un."

"I love you too, DeiDei." They sat there in their chairs just staring at each other.

"Now get up." They got up. "Now hug." They hugged. "Now leave." They turned and left. "And send the next couple in!"

**A/N: Who's next? Why it's Hidan and Kakuzu of course. What will there problem be? You must read to find out. Mwuhahahaha!**


	2. Chapter 2

Couples Counselling

Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my ideas.**

**A/N: YAY! Now for the Hidan and Kakuzu counselling. I forgot to say last time that this is rated for language and later sexual references. I need some ideas for the Tobi X Zetsu one, if any one has ideas please tell me. Did you like the last one? I hope you did and I hope you like this one more. Time for the Hidan/Kakuzu-ness.**

Hidan and Kakuzu entered my room. _Great, what are they going to tell me?_ They sat and thus the session began.

"So, what now?" I asked. They sat there in silence.

"Well, Hidan, are you going to tell her what you did?"

"WHAT I DID! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! YOU ARE MAKING SHIT UP ABOUT ME!"

"Hidan relax. So someone care to fill me in?"

"Hidan is cheating on me."

"I'm not fucking cheating!"

"Hidan!" I took a deep breath to calm myself, "Just let Kakuzu tell his side of the story."

"Alright, well, it all started with Hidan leaving without me knowing where he was going, then he was acting suspicious, then I caught him at a shop for string talking to Rock-Lee. I almost chopped his head off!"

"I see, so the other guy in the equation is Rock-Lee?"

"Correct."

"NO, not fucking 'correct'! I'm not seeing someone behind Kakuzu's back!"

"Ok, then what's your side of the story, Hidan?"

"All righty then, here's how it really happened. I went to a music store to find Kakuzu some music to count his money to, when this kid, Rock-Lee came up to me and started yapping about the fact that the record in my hand was really awesome or something. I told him to piss off but he didn't so I left without buying anything. I then decided I would make something nice for Kakuzu but I didn't want him to find out about it until it was finished. I was almost done when I ran out of thread so I went to the store where I ran into Lee again, only this time Kakuzu saw me talking to the kid and assumed the worst."

"Ok, do you have any proof that what you're saying is true, like, maybe the thing you were making?"

"Yeah." Hidan got up and ran to his and Kakuzu's room then came back with 2 small dolls, vaguely resembling Kakuzu and Hidan, holding hands.(I'll let you decide if Hidan can sew or not, *cough cough* not *cough cough*)

"I was making this but it's not very good." Kakuzu got up and walked to Hidan. He looked at the dolls with suspicion then his eyes softened as appreciation seeped in.

"Hidan, I think it's lovely. Not sew very well but clearly to the best of your ability."

"Thanks. Hey, what's that supposed to mean!" Kakuzu just ignored him and hugged Hidan. Hidan calmed down and hugged back.

"_Aww, now this is nice_ (Sarcasm. Encase you didn't get that). Leave." Hidan growled and mutter a few 'fuck you's and 'little bitch's on his way out the door but Kakuzu just left happy that Hidan wasn't cheating on him. _YAY! It's over! Too bad there's still more to go._

**A/N: Up next… Itatchi and Kisame! This next one is going to be difficult. I don't even know if it'll have a happy ending or not. It probably will. I doubt it will be very long though. It may be a while before I update again, though. I have a lot of homework and stuff to do. Comment! Favourite! Whatever the rest is!**


	3. Chapter 3

Couples Counselling

Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my ideas.**

**A/N: It's Itachi and Kisame time on the hickory dickory clock. I don't know why I said that, but it's true! It's time for an Itachi and Kisame fic. Sexual references, you've been warned. I still need some Tobi and Zetsu ideas, I think I have one but I want to know what you guys come up with. I don't know if this will have a happy ending or not but I think it will. Happy Itachi and Kisame fic. Hm, I wonder what would happen if I didn't say Itachi's name first. Kisame and Itachi fic. *Itachi comes in the room and goes Mangekyou Sharigan on my ass*. So, THAT'S what happens! Ok, enjoy the piece.**

I immediately froze when satin and satin's puppet entered my room. Or at least they're satin and satin's puppet to me, most people call them Itachi and Kisame. They sat in front of me Itachi seemed to be elsewhere and Kisame was defiantly pissed. I snapped myself out of my terrified trance and started the session.

"So, um, what seams to be the problem?"

"ITACHI WON'T TALK TO ME!" Itachi came back to the real world when he heard Kisame say his name but remained silent.

"Well Itachi? Why aren't you talking to Kisame?"

"…"

"Itachi."

"Uchihas don't talk." _UGH!_

"You just did."

"…" _GRRRRRRRR! ITACHI WILL NEVER GIVE IN TO ME OR KISAME! _Suddenly, noises could be heard coming from both above my room and below. It sounded creaking and moaning. Below was Hidan's sacrificial chamber and above was the artists' room. For some reason Hidan's sacrificial chamber had a bed in it but no one really knew why. He always proclaimed it was because sometimes after rituals he's so tired he can't make it back to his room. _I guess there are other reasons as well. _I remembered the broom corner and got an idea.

"Hey can one of you guys get that broom in the corner for me?" I pointed behind them to show them where it was but they didn't even bother turning to look. Instead, Itachi eyes started swirling.

"OK, OK! I'LL GET IT!" I threw my hands up in a defensive way. I got up and got the broom. I banged it on the roof of my bedroom.

"KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE!" I stopped banging on the roof and banged on the floor.

"SHUT UP!" Everything grew silent. I sighed and sat back down, making sure to keep the broom near me just encase. _Now what was I doing? Oh yeah, counselling them. UH!_

"Itachi please try to have a conversation with Kisame. Right here, right now! I'll be watching the whole time so that nothing too inappropriate comes up or so the neither of you attack each other."

"I must find foolish little brother and take his eyes. I want his eyes."

"Itachi, please! I want to talk with you not about Sasuke or the sharingan but about anything else!"

"No foolish little brother?"

"NO!" _Please don't push it Kisame. I don't want to have to scrap you off the walls for the next 10 years of my life!_

"Alright, what do you want to talk about Kisame?" _Wait, he's actually talking? YES! Now I won't have to listen to them for 15 hours straight!_

"We-"

"Hey! You guys seem to be doing fine now, so go back to Hell, I MEAN your room. Yes, your room. Bye." I was pushing them out of my room the whole time I was talking so I would be free. Then I remembered I have to do more people! _WILL THIS NIGHTMARE EVER END!_

**A/N: YAY! It's finally done! I got stuck half way through this so the ending is a bit crappy but hey I did my best! Tobi and Zetsu next but I'm stuck for ideas so either I'll take quite a while to post it. Give me your ideas people I'm stuck! Hope you enjoyed this story, I'll try to make the next one better. **


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